When Parenting Exposes Your Darkness

I don't know about you, but one of the most difficult things about motherhood for me is having a child who is highly sensitive to my moods and emotions.

One of my children can notice even the tiniest bit of frustration, or sadness, or disappointment in my face and immediately react. He will say, "What's wrong, mom?" in a moment where I thought I had hidden my emotions perfectly. It's hard enough to keep myself under control without being held under a microscope all day!

Besides the fact that I can't effectively hide how I'm feeling, his behavior almost always mimics how I'm feeling, which most of the time makes me even more of whatever current emotion I'm feeling. It's such a vicious cycle and so hard for me to get out of sometimes.

If I'm on edge, impatient, or moody, he senses it and acts out. He's loud, whiny, clingy, seemingly obnoxious. And even though I know, I KNOW that his behavior is only a reflection of his discomfort and most likely stems from my own mood, I just can't break myself out of the cycle some days.

Today was one of those days.

We had a rocky morning. I'll spare you the details. When it was finally time for quiet time I took a deep breath, sat on my bed and read a chapter from Mitten Strings for God by Katrina Kenison. The chapter, of course, was about discipline.

I was so grateful for the heartfelt confession she shared about a time when she was so frustrated with her son trying to get him to eat breakfast and out the door one morning. He wouldn't get dressed, wouldn't eat and when she scooped him up to put him in a chair, he let out a scream that brought her to her wit's end. In a fit of frustration she literally shoved a spoonful of oatmeal in his mouth and clamped his mouth shut- only to realize by doing so she had made him bite the inside of his cheek, which was obvious from the blood in his mouth when she let go.

She describes her son's face after this realization:

"He was outraged, hurt, eyes wide with pain and disbelief. And there it was--my own failure, as shocking to me as it was to him. Who was the one in need of discipline here after all, him or me?"

She goes on to say, "We can create hell in the space of a moment, and we meet the devil in ourselves."

Yes.

So many times over, yes.

Her son seems to be a lot like one of mine. Full of energy, extremely passionate, curious, emotional, sensitive, a truly beautiful soul, but if we're honest, a little exhausting. This is what she says about her son:

"But it is true that Jack--forty-two pounds of spirit, vulnerability, curiosity, and sheer life force--has been my most demanding teacher, exposing all of my weaknesses and requiring me to develop even great fortitude. In his passionate, head-long rush into life, he has shown me exactly where my rope ends, where my patience runs out, where my edges fray, where my own outer limits really are."

Oh, how these words ring so true for me as well.

She continues:

"He has taught me that in order to be an effective and loving disciplinarian, I must first be able to control myself. So I'm learning self-discipline right along with him. He requires of me an inner strength that I don't always posses... So I have had to go in search of my own deeper resources."

Again, I want to reach out and hug her because I feel every word.

She later explains how she asked her her son's forgiveness and how they repaired that rupture and moved on.

Situations like this play out in our household more times than I would like to admit. And although I haven't ever forced my son's mouth closed and made it bleed, I've done things equally as hurtful. I've shocked myself with the sheer rage I've felt at times and the pure lack of self-control.

So, if you find yourself with a child who pushes you to your absolute limits, exposes all your weaknesses, and forces you to examine every selfish bone in your body--solidarity, my friend. Solidarity.

This journey of parenting is both beautiful and messy, heart-warming and heart-wrenching, full of ups and downs and highs and lows.

Just know: no matter what darkness you have found in yourself (or are sure to find eventually if you haven't yet), you are not alone. It happens to all of us. There's nothing wrong with you. You are not a terrible parent. It just means you are human and like all humans living in this fallen world, we will always have work to do on ourselves.

We fail, we apologize. We fail, and we apologize.

Here's to all of us parents just trying to be our best selves so we can help our kids be their best selves.

It's not easy, but so worth it.